God Give Me Wisdom.
Pray these words,
"God give me wisdom."
I went to church on Sunday and that was the part of the message that really grabbed my attention... God, give me wisdom.
As usual, with the ups and downs of this journey with my health, I frequently have people reaching out to me asking how I am doing and asking for updates on my current status. My hopes are not to broadcast it, but to give updates, answers, and maybe shed some light, a little faith, and a glimpse of hope in someone else's life by sharing.
My seizures started to worsen over this past winter. I had a big doctors appointment before my high school softball season to decide what steps needed to be taken. During the appointment we decided that my number one treatment option at this stage in my epilepsy journey was brain surgery. With brain surgery on the line, they need to be 100% certain they can operate without any repercussions. I tried to put some doctoring on hold during my season as I wanted to present the best me I could. So, I had two scans done to basically crosscheck my MRI and the scar they had found in my right frontal lobe as checkpoints they needed to cover to see if the area was operable during my season and I pushed back one last step.
The final checkpoint we needed to cover was another stay in the hospital to focalize where the seizures are coming from, which of course leads me to why I've finally made time to write this post... I am back. I remember leaving the hospital the last time telling myself I was done and that I was never going to do it again. Not that it was the worst testing I have ever done, because there has been worse, and could definitely be even worse, but for the fact that I just felt I was finished. I was done. I didn't need to go back again. I had a solution. My new medication would work, and that was that. But, after three different medications, multiple different doses, lots of frustration within myself and family members, I realized something had to change. Like any chronic disorder, epilepsy has an unbelievable amount of question marks that come along with it. And for me, my questions may never fully be answered, but also thankfully for me, I am surrounded by amazing doctors who are working to find the best way for me to live my life with epilepsy.
With the turn of events, I am no longer driving which has definitely changed not only my life, but some of my closest loved ones in the process. But, as the Man up top never ceases to amaze me, He always finds a way to make things work. My mom, dad, gramps, and boyfriend Nick have been my temporary drivers, or as I like to call them, my "ubers." My mom or Nick get up at 4am with me Monday-Saturday just to bring me to work and then between those two and both my gramps and my dad, they coordinate who can pick me up from work and bring me home. Outside of work, I get carted anywhere and everywhere by family and friends.
When the decision came to no longer drive, although it truly wasn't up to me anymore, I knew I could handle it for two reasons.
1) I did it before (in high school when things were bad)
2) God gives you what you can handle
With that being said, it's hard. I don't feel like I have any independence. Last summer I would leave work on my "lunch break" and run Barns Bluff and/or Bay Point every single day and I have not done one of them yet this summer. Driving was always time to clear my head and get some alone time and I don't have that with having to be driven by someone else. When I want to run any errands, I have to work around someone else's schedule which is inconvenient for both them and myself. The worst of them all, I HATE ASKING FOR HELP. My goodness, if I could only bite my pride and just say I need help how much easier would this be.
But two reasons were all I needed. Don't get me wrong, I still have my days and my moments where I want to crumble and I'm frustrated as all heck at the world, several in the past few weeks. However, I think it's refreshing to know I'm able to truly bounce back each and every time and remind myself of why I can handle this. I hold tightly knowing that if I can do what I've done before, I'll be driving before I know it, and I fiercely cling to my faith knowing that God put this in my life because I can handle it. He didn't specify if it was going to be easy and I think that's what most people forget when they hear that quote. The focus lies within the first two words, "God gives." There is nothing about anything being easy, rather it's about what God gives you which is both limitless and priceless. He gave me this battle because He equipped me with everything I needed to handle it. He gave me my family, my best friend, my boyfriend, Leonard, my friends, and my understanding and awesome clients. He gave me a whole freaking village, but most importantly, He gave me His hand.
Sometimes God's wisdom is hiding behind what seems to be like the biggest mountain you have to face or the hardest battle you have to face. Don't climb it or fight it alone. Take a step back, bite your pride if need be, and get down on your knees and pray. Pray these four words, "God, give me wisdom."
As I lay here in bed, trying to stay up until tomorrow night because my nurses are continuously waking me up so I don't fall asleep (part of the sleep deprivation to provoke a seizure) I'm asking for God's wisdom, His wisdom to get me through whatever decisions are made after I'm released from the hospital, whether it be this week or next. Please give me wisdom so I can take the news in stride, alongside my family and closest of friends. Please give me wisdom so I can balance work and my health in the best way possible. I pray that you give me wisdom to continue on without a license with confidence. I pray that you give me wisdom to help spread awareness, answer questions, and communicate efficiently with everyone regarding epilepsy and my journey. And most importantly, give me wisdom to face everything with courage and love, for You are the perfect example of both